Deafening Silence

Soon I will approach the one year anniversary of my decision to uproot my life and move to a new city, in a new region of the country, and start a new career.

Fortunately and unfortunately this past year has been one of the darkest journey I have endured during my lifetime.

I could spend another year rehashing the horrors of this year in grave detail but I see no purpose in doing such a thing. What I will say is I have learned an incredible amount about myself, life, and God.

I have always known that I am a highly competent person. I am capable of greatness. One of my largest weaknesses is that I shrivel in negative environments. My current employment situation feeds on disrespect, passive aggressive actions, and facades of concern used to mask bullying and harmful agendas. This has really reminded me of how strongly I depend on a positive culture and environment to aid my abilities. My resilience and refusal to quit has pushed me far out of my comfort zone. I found myself seeking new, innovative ways to seek information and better myself in spite of the forces stacked against me.

Pushing against systematic persecution is far more exhausting than one could ever imagine unless experienced first-hand. As a young professional in a new city, in a new career, with no family or friends nearby I experienced a new level of isolation. The silence was deafening.

I found myself clinging to my sanity with white knuckles. Always seeking validation, affirmation, and support from the vary institution seeking to destroy me. I found it hard to express myself to a group of strangers as I attempted to build relationships with my new surroundings. It was also difficult to explain myself to those that knew me. They seemed so far out of my reach. Like oceans stood between myself and the rest of the world.

Alone I stood. Waiting. Wanting. Waiting on success. Waiting on hope. Wanting love. Wanting acceptance.

Eventually I went back to my roots. I went to church. A coworker suggested I try the church she attended. So, I went. The sermon was about being desperate for God. I continued to attend the church and continued to listen as the pastor spoke on this topic. I spent most of the following Sundays in a back row of the church silently crying. Listening to a sermon that seemed as if God whispered it directly to me. Calling me back to His love, grace, and lovingkindness. I began to seek God in everything I did. I also returned to my habit of meditation.

Spoiler Alert: Standing with God is more powerful, safe, and comforting than affirmation or support from any human being. God’s love and protection is stronger than any weapon formed against me.

Now I have found myself joyfully realigning myself with God and His word. I have found more peace in the last few months than I have in years. Walking through this storm has showed me how important it is to lean on Him.

As I reflected on this journey I found several instances where God spoke to me and I completely disregarded His words. As a result I found myself alone, lost and confused. Now I find myself feeling stronger than ever. I can’t even imagine concerning myself with the opinions and judgments of those I once sought approval from so desperately.

All I can do now is thank God for this journey. I am so grateful to come out of this storm with a story and a testimony. I will continue to walk in faith and listen for God’s voice as He continues to lead my life. I am excited to see what He has in store for me next. 

In the mean time and between time I will continue to Praise His Name.